A woeful tale of misery and oppression
by Real1Swear
Summary: So this is a nice little parody of Kylo Ren's upbringing. Loosely based of tweets by the Emo Kylo Ren account so all credit that is due to them. I'm just doing this for fun, any situations you want to see leave a review or mail me. A dash of Reylo but very lowkey. Also Hux is gay because why not.
1. Chapter 1: The Struggle

**QUICK NOTE:** So I already have a fic going on right now but it's a bit dense and I am a bit nah do that later. This is very much a parody and loosely based around tweets sent by the Emo Kylo Ren account on twitter. They're absolutely hilarious and give me giggles so here goes.

"No Hux you don't even get it she's like-"

"… and then _I_ said well why don't you start because he was obviously the one to come up to me right anyway…"

"I swear like if you don't listen to me I will hang up I called you because I'm in _agony_!"

"…and then he says alright but don't leave yeah and I'm like well whoa why would I leave and you know what happened last time I met someone at a con and so I'm like well yeah I won't just take off you helmet…"

"Like she hates me so much Hux I swear it's like sexual tension overload and I'm throwing all these lines at her but-"

"AND YOU WILL _NEVER_ GUESS right so he takes off this mask and he's a she like how ew is that?"

"Ren. Ren are you still there? Ren did you hear the end Phasma's a girl did you hear?"

"Ren I know you're still there come on how weird is that. Ren."

"Ren I swear if you don't stop being such a little bitch baby about that weird archaeologist freak-"

"I AM KYLO REN GRANDSON OF DARTH VADER HIMSELF HOW DARE YOU."

"Wow ok chill. Anyway so I'm like-"

"And she is _not_ an 'archaeologist freak' she is a _collector."_

Oh my grandad sometimes Hux is just so superficial like I am in genuine pain? She just doesn't get it? That my hatred is love?

My dad just got back from uncle Lando's and he's _so_ drunk and mom is _so_ mad like

Bet Darth Vader could handle his drink you know?

Ugh I have no respect for this family whatsoever.


	2. Chapter 2: Human Interaction

"Right so what do I have to say?"

"We've been over this like a million times Hux pay attention."

Hux is so irritating he pretends to be so aloof and better than everything but he knows exactly what I want him to do I swear he just wants to be me. Especially with the gloves thing like that was _so_ mine first I made that a thing.

"Just go and be a bitch Hux come on I ask so little of you."

"last week you made me photoshop you into a picture of Darth Vader so it looked like you guys we hugging that took me hours."

"Yeah but you enjoyed that too"

"No I didn't you were constantly over my-"

"Right there she is shove her or something."

Hux goes over to Rey who is rocking her sandy dress again today like the whole sand storm thing is such a good look for her. I personally strive for a darker theme in my wardrobe but I respect her choices. Also the whole three bun thing is so like low-key out there only she would think of that she is so great.

I use my amazing force skills to hear what Hux is saying and he's being so shitty on purpose like I saw him in Macbeth I know he's a better actor than this.

For the record I only auditioned for that show because he went and I went for moral support as I am a stellar friend and they asked me to audition. And I was bad on purpose so I would steal Hux's spotlight.

He tries to knock her books out of her hands but I forgot that Rey is like so protective. She has the force too but I doubt she is as good as me her grandad isn't Darth Vader well he might be but we are NOT going to talk about that right now. _There's still time._

Hux keeps complaining about his nose but I got my mom to force heal it and he's fine so I don't know what the big problem is. I mean I technically have the moral high ground here and I didn't even get my chance to save Rey like I planned. But it's ok because this kid Finn in the year below us is having a party and he invited everyone because no one really likes him. It's his own fault he's such an over achiever. I heard he had to leave his old school because he kept trying to help this really slow kid during an actual exam.

Rey is friends with Finn but I know for sure because I have the force and that means I can tell. It's like a sixth sense.

I see her at the party and she has like this sandy brown romper suit thing and it's _so bold_ but she pulls it off really well I think.

Hux is off flirting with Phasma again and it's so hypocritical like if I even compliment a boy he starts with the Bi thing but he's allowed to flirt with anyone he wants. I mean there's nothing wrong with being bi I'm progressive like that but Hux is so sensitive about his sexuality like it's quite sweet but also quite unnecessary do you know what I mean?

So anyway Rey is looking killer and I think our outfits actually contrast really well it's almost as if like it's meant to be. She's talking to Poe Dameron who is evidently trying to flirt but I really don't think Rey would go for someone as basic as that he thinks he's a good pilot but I doubt he has ever won a pod race before adolescence to win his own freedom from slavery he's just not that deep.

I wait till their conversation ends well not ends but it ends when I walk up. She looks at me with that kind of 'I'm pretending not to like you but I definitely do' face then goes back to talking to Poe.

I clear my throat and let her get ready from my amazing chat I am about to drop.

"Has anyone ever told you your eyes are the colour of Darth Vader's helmet glinting in the moonlight?" She doesn't say anything she is obviously stunned.

"Aren't you that weird kid that wore a bucket on his head to school for an entire semester?"

"It wasn't a bucket it was a helmet, a mask over my inner conflict you see."

"No I'm pretty sure it was a bucket with black ducktape round it."

Poe just doesn't understand these things.


	3. Chapter 3: Family Gatherings

**Author's Note:** Thank you so much to my current ten readers, it means so much! *weeps*

So I've finally decided to come out to my parents as Kylo Ren properly. Uncle Lando and Chewbacca and all the Ewoks are coming round for dinner tonight and I'm going to do it then. Hux is coming round to help me prepare my speech but I think he's just being nosy because my speeches are always better than his he got a D and a 'see me' on his last presentation. But that might have been because it was about how the New Republic is a useless façade and that we should bring the empire back and I don't think you're allowed to say that.

I think Hux could be quite scary if he wanted but he is very ginger and that's unfortunate. I was lucky to be born with really nice glossy black locks even though neither of my parents or family really have black hair but it's natural I swear.

Rey said it reflected the darkness inside me.

Well she didn't exactly say it like that but I know what she meant because I really get her. I think we have a force link, but my mom said I can't go telling girls I can see into their minds because it's rude. Different story when she looks into mine when I take her kohl liner.

It looks better on me anyway she is just jealous.

I am seriously SO mad right now my dad said I can't wear my Darth Vader inspired look to dinner tonight OR bring his head to the table. I tried to explain that it will be a very hard evening for me but apparently some of the guests might feel uncomfortable with him there.

That's such bullshit I mean the only reason we even know the Ewoks is because grandpa brought us all together. This family is so full of drama.

So Hux thinks that I'm being too emotional in my speech but I explained calmly to explain to him that it's not my fault I am simply a very compassionate person. Just like Darth Vader. Well I screamed it at him actually. He had it coming.

Hux and I meditated for like two hours before dinner I feel so refreshed. Hux isn't very good at it, he blames it on me playing the My Immortal/ Imperial March mixtape mash-up I made but I think he's just not as Zen as me.

Hux I so mad right now he has to sit next to Chewbacca but I told him he had to because I am wearing more statement black than him and I need to look good for my speech. He made me go get my special lint roller that I save for my replica Darth Vader cape. Hux is such a burden sometimes.

These stupid Ewoks are taking over the entire night. It's torture.

We have had to sing 'yub nub' three times already and we haven't even had out entre. I never asked to be part of this tribe. Jokes on them I didn't even sing it. I sang 'Golden' by Fall Out Boy instead. It really reflects my innermost turmoil. Hux almost choked on a grape.

So I gave my speech and everyone was a bit silent and looked at each other. I don't need the force to tell they are all green with envy at my killer name.

"Isn't 'Kylo Ren' just a weird mix of your name right now?"

I really don't like my dad sometimes.

I hate this family so much.

So this one idiot ewok tripped and got a bucket stuck on his head

Uncle Lando goes "Look Ben, it's you!"

Everyone laughed.

He is the literal worst.

My mom just came into my room and told me she wants me to have a chat with uncle Luke about what's going on right now and I had to tell her uncle Luke has no idea what is going on right now

He is like an actual real life hermit. He looks a bit homeless too.

I really low-key dislike uncle Luke because it's kind of _entirely_ his fault that the only person in this universe who really gets what I'm about is lost to me.

He just doesn't understand the blessing of his lineage.

I am so misunderstood.


	4. Chapter 4: Hot Topic

**Author's Note:** 30 VIEWS OMG

 _'_ _Roses are red, R2 is blue…_

 _If I was force,_

 _I'd be with you'_

 _-Kylo Ren_

"Are you sure I shouldn't write it with my fancy calligraphy pen Hux?"

"No you don't want to look like you put so much effort into it. Anyway so Phasma said she was having people round and I was wondering-"

"Yeah but I don't really need to _try_ and be mysterious and dark and detached, I already am. Plus she needs to know how committed I am to her I mean it's all or nothing there is no in-between."

Hux and I look at each other and say "Only a Sith deals in absolutes" in unison and I am reminded that as much of a pain he is he is a good guy to have around.

"So anyway Phasma obviously thinks we are a thing so I told her I had a boyfriend and that the boyfriend was you so you have to pretend to be my boyfriend till I get a real one."

I hate Hux so much.

I'm still mad at Hux for making me be his pretend boyfriend so I go to Hot Topic myself. This is my place of worship but not in a nerdy fan-boy way I just really like looking at all the little models of Darth Vader. People look at me weird when I tell them he's my Grandpa but they are mere mortals unlike myself.

One of the display cases has a very graphic depiction of a mockery on Darth Vader. This isn't ok.

None of the sales people will listen to me they need to take this thing down.

Sometimes I get very mad and it's not my fault whatever I do is totally out of my control I would just like to make that very very clear.

"Hux I need you to call Hot Topic and get them to let me back in they're not answering to my tweets."

"What did you do this time." His voice is equally as irritating over the phone.

"It wasn't my fault."

"What did you do."

"No one got hurt this time that's a bonus-"

"Ren."

"I slashed a display a bit with my lightsabre but can I again state it was not my fault AND no one got hurt."

"There's a hot topic across town next to the old ice rink."

"Ok good I never liked this one anyway."

I walk across town, but when I get there the store is closed. The night is cold and dark. The irony burns like my knee. I got an booboo when I slashed the display.

 _Pain is power_.


End file.
